Two (Evil?) Geniuses Walk Into a Lab
by ExoZadakh
Summary: Varrick and Hououin Kyouma collaborate on a device that will change the world...maybe.


Kyouma walked over to the window of his lab and looked down on the street below. Raising his phone to his ear, he said, "It's me. Before I proceed with the report, you must swear that this will be kept secret—even our allies must not know the details of this operation. This endeavor is far too important to risk the safety of anyone outside of our necessary circle.

"Next…there is something you must know. Now that the boundaries between worlds have been crossed, unforeseen consequences have come to pass. The passageways are too many, and we suspect interlopers have made their way into the breach, with unknown but surely dark purposes. It is not enough for these villains to rule their own world, no: they seek to rule every world. To take control of each world they see, to make their word law in every one, and to plunge the entire multiverse into chaos."

Kyouma grinned. "Hmhmhm…FWAHAHAHAHAHA! Those fools don't know who they're dealing with! If anyone will control the multiverse, it will be I, the great Hououin Kyouma! To that end, we have begun construction of a superweapon that will eradicate any rash enough to—"

The phone was snatched from his hand mid-sentence. Talking into the device, Varrick said, "Hey! Sorry to interrupt, but you don't happen to know a good tailor, do you? I'm starting to think I brought along the wrong wardrobe for this crazy weather."

Angered, Kyouma retrieved his phone. "Varrick! How many times must I tell you: you must not expose yourself to my contacts before essential precautions have been set in place! The stakes on this operation are far too high!"

Fanning himself, Varrick said, "Well give me a break, I'm dying over here. Can't blame a guy for taking a chance, can you?"

"Hmph." Kyouma turned to the phone once more. "It seems as though I shall have to fill you in later. Keep searching for _that_…and, if possible, locate a tailor we can trust. El Psy Kongroo."

As he hung up, Varrick said, "You know I've been thinking about that, that El sigh thingerwhatever. It's good, but it could be much, much better."

Kyouma stepped back dramatically. "What? You dare to question the hallowed words that were passed on to me from the gods?! Where is your respect?"

"See I've met a god, and when the god you meet is a hot-headed teenager who gets caught up in overcomplicated love triangles, or…squares, or rhombus—no, not a rhombus, more of a—well anyway, it sort of brings the whole 'god' thing down to Earth. You know what I'm saying?"

"…No."

"Oh. Well, enough of that—back to what I was saying! Your passcode should be something a lot flashier, you know? Something like, 'For the destruction of all, we unleash our awesome MIGHT!' or something!"

Kyouma crossed his arms and nodded. "Hm…while I do admire your taste, I fear that would defeat the purpose. The phrase must be something discreet, something with a meaning known only to those taught it explicitly. This is necessary so that the Organization will not be aware of our activities."

Varrick rubbed his chin. "Mm-hm, well, it should still be catchier. How about—"

"If it is 'catchy', then anyone can learn it! It must be simple enough to remember, but complicated enough that it can only be learned by the dedicated!"

"Okay, then how about catchy, but long? It could be a poem, like a haiku, or maybe a limerick or something! Let's see: There once was a man from Ba-Sing-Se, who—"

"Enough!" Kyouma said, slashing his arm through the air. "The pass code must stay the same, else my magic eye will lose its power! This discussion is over."

With a shrug, Varrick said, "Can't argue with the magic eye. Back to work then, I guess."

He went over to the table and sat down. In front of him was a contraption made out of a blender on top of an old radio, with a Virtual Boy connected to it by two cables. As he jammed a screwdriver into the back of the radio, he said, "So you really think this doohickey is going to let us see what's going on in other worlds?"

Kyouma put his hands in the pocket of his lab coat and approached the table, chuckling to himself. "Do you doubt my brilliance, Varrick? I am the man who transcends time, and you come from a world where space bends into not one world, but two. With our experiences together, it is only natural that we possess the key to creating this—"

Pointing at the device, he shouted, "Future Gadget Number 15: Dimensional Puree (Name Subject to Change)! This magnificent machine will provide us with eyes and ears in every corner of the multiverse, enabling us to track the Organization no matter what world they hide in! Rejoice, Varrick, for with this in our hands, _no one_ will be able to stand against the combined might of our genius! FWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yeah, you said that yesterday too," Varrick muttered, tightening a bolt. "But I'm just saying, this tech has existed for ages! Especially _that _thing—" He gestured to the Virtual Boy. "—you stole from the big guy's stash."

Kyouma thought, _Daru must never know I borrowed one of his treasures._

"If these really were key to it, then it seems like somebody would've figured it out by now," Varrick finished.

"Hmph," Kyouma grunted. "Even that which has existed long may still contain many secrets, accessible only to those with the madness needed to think beyond the realm of mere men. Some of the greatest scientific discoveries were accidents that not even the world's finest minds predicted the circumstances of! Put your trust in me, Varrick: THIS is what will allow us to RULE! And so we commence…Operation Vaatu! FWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"If you say so. And if it works, people will be knocking down our door to get their hands on it! I can't even imagine how much money we could make! HAHA!"

"Hey! I have already told you, this technology must not—"

"Yeah yeah, I know, but while I'm thinking of it, 'Dimensional Puree' needs a little work—it definitely needs 'Varrick' somewhere in there! What about 'Mega Varrick EM Eye'?"

"You've changed it completely! Anyway, we'll discuss the name later. It's only to be expected that a technology's true name can only be deciphered once it has reached frutition."

"Hm, good point," Varrick said. He closed the back of the radio. "Alright! Ready to initiate test phase!"

"Excellent!" Kyouma said. "Fetch the fuel, Varrick!"

Putting a bag of sea prunes on the table, Varrick said, "Here we are. You know, these things weren't easy to get through customs. Couldn't we just use something else, something, y'know, here? What about those?"

He pointed at a bunch of bananas sitting on the counter. Kyouma shuddered and responded, "Absolutely not. The…the process requires fuel from another dimension, obviously!"

Varrick looked up at the ceiling. "Huh, I guess that makes sense. In that case!"

He dumped the sea prunes in the blender and then stood up. "Sea prunes loaded and ready! Kyouma, do the thing!"

"Indeed, but first!"

Kyouma put his arm around Varrick's shoulder. "There is one more variable in this experiment that will be absolutely essential. When I initiate the process, we must both laugh with all of our evil brilliance! Let the madness stream out of you, filling the air with your incomprehensible, all-consuming drive!"

Varrick gave a thumbs-up. "Right! Okay, let me do this again, from the top!"

Kyouma backed up. Varrick cleared his throat, pointed, and said, "Kyouma, do the thing! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"With pleasure, Varrick! FWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"FWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"FWAHAHAHAHAH!"

As they continued laughing, Kyouma thrust his finger down on the button to start the blender. The blades came to life, spinning rapidly and shredding the sea prunes apart, meanwhile the radio flared with static, blinking erratically. Varrick put his ear against the radio and gently turned the dial. Light shone from the Virtual Boy—Kyouma picked it up and put it to his face.

"Now…NOW, we shall see that which has never before been seen!"

Sparks began to leap from the radio's antenna. Kyouma peeked out from behind the viewer, and Varrick took a step back. The machine died completely…and then roared back to life for a few seconds before the top of the blender was blown off, shooting sea prune mush all over the ceiling. Both Kyouma and Varrick stumbled backwards, getting just out of range before the radio burst and scattered fragments all over the floor. Things came to a halt once more, and this time, they remained that way.

Varrick crossed his arms. "Hm. Guess we put in too many sea prunes."

"I-Idiot, that's not it! Your laugh—it was completely off-key! We must be perfectly harmonized, else we will be unable to initiate the resonation of the dimensions!"

"Uh-huh," Varrick said. He picked up the Virtual Boy. "Does this thing at least still work?"

He placed it to his face and shouted. Drawing back and grimacing, he said, "Ugh, we totally busted it! Everything's coming out in this eye-gouging shade of red!"

"Ah, well…that's normal, actually."

"It is? Well then why would anyone want this piece of junk?!"

Varrick let go of the console—Kyouma had to act fast to catch it before it hit the ground. "Well anyway," Varrick said, "we'd better do something about this mess, huh?"

Kyouma set the Virtual Boy down and surveyed the lab. The sea prunes were currently dripping off of the ceiling, creating several small puddles on the table and floors. Bits of metal were scattered about in front of the radio, some large, some so small he could barely notice them.

"This is nothing to sully our hands with. When my Assistant returns, we shall pass this on to her."

Kyouma took a step away, but Varrick grabbed him by the collar of his lab coat. "Woah, hang on there!"

Spinning him around, Varrick continued, "Listen kid, if there's anything I've learned, it's that one: if you get a pumice stone with just the right circumference, it'll take off a month-old callous in five minutes tops!"

"…Ah…?"

"And two: if you want your assistant you take care of you, you gotta take care of your assistant."

After pausing to think for a moment, Kyouma sighed. "…I see. Thank you, Varrick—you make an excellent point. We shall begin the task of cleaning up once I have quenched my thirst."

He stepped over to the fridge, taking out a bottle of Dr. Pepper. Before he could take a drink, Varrick reached into his bag, mumbling, "You know, if it's thirst-quenching you after, there's something else I was able to sneak through customs…"

"Hah! Not to disrespect your world, but nothing it can produce could ever hope to rival the perfection of Dr. Pepper! It is the only drink fit for a mad scientist!"

"Okay, but try this!"

Varrick produced a small green bottle, its label displaying a cactus and its cork somewhat loose. Setting it on the counter, Varrick hunched over and said, "This stuff is so quenchy, it's only legal three days out of the week where I'm from! Careful though: too much and it'll go right to your head."

Kyouma leaned forward and squinted at the bottle. "Fascinating…if what you say is true, then perhaps this too could be a drink of madness…"

* * *

><p>Kurisu rounded the corner and looked up at the lab—even from this distance, she could hear the two of them laughing. "Seriously? The landlord just told him to keep it down this morning…"<p>

"Honestly I'm relieved," Zhu Li said. "It's tough to find someone who can keep Varrick occupied. I love him, but even I need a break every now and then."

"Hah, I can definitely relate to that," Kurisu laughed.

"In that case, should we come by again tomorrow?"

"Ugh, it's like we're arranging a play date for a couple of kids…"

Kurisu stopped near the stairs, checking her phone for messages while Zhu Li went up to the lab. A few seconds later, she heard shouting, followed by Zhu Li sticking her head out the window.

"Kurisu, you need to get up here now!"

"Wha…?"

She rushed up the stairs.

"Wh-what happened here?! You idiots—you could've at least tried to clean it up!"

"Well, ah…we were just about to, but…"

"Varrick, put that down!"

"Come on, Zhu Li, it's an experiment! We were—hey, watch out!"

"AAAH! Ugh, what did I just slip in?!"

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure it's just sea prunes. Are you alright?"

"V…Varrick, I think perhaps we should make a strategic withdrawal."

"You two aren't going anywhere until you clean up this mess!"

"Yes ma'am, right away ma'am! I'm on it!"


End file.
